WOTD murmuration 

Murmuration

The unnatural silence before the storm comes

Feeling the vibration of the electric light as it is my only witness to the pending wet sloppy doom

And it begins, barely noticeable, but swiftly is covers the tip of the grass

Soon bigger flakes patter against my skin, I lay back in my lawn chair daring to be entombed 

The clouds push out their Frozen contents, snowflakes curling around the edges of my face, turning me red then blue

It’s now 4 hours later, my feet are covered, the powder is above my ankles

Again the silence is only broken by the rythmic patter as it softly reminds me of home and how deadly it can be

Each flake tells me it’s life story as quickly as possible trying not to break the silence, but never truly attaining soundlessness

Wotd pattern

Pattern

Is it simply just repeating the actions of the past that got me here today

Or is it predestined and being imposed by some other worldly force that doesn’t bother much about the day to day banalities

Does it have to be a repetition of a perfect copy, or can we alter the copy slightly enough, nuanced enough, that when we lose the focus we can enjoy the abstract piece of art staring at us through imaginary eyes

Wotd abstract

Abstract

I have lived just outside of your accepted reality

I find unrecognizable patterns allow my imagination to soar and grow

Abstract means the absence of tract, and who wants to live in tract homes or by religious tracts promising salvation, now that’s an abstract idea that should require a psychological workup

Abs restrict and contract but I’m not sure if they tract, unless it takes about muscles to hand out tracts

Abstr could be a nick name for someone named Abe or Abby or Abigail who acts on stage maybe in an Avant garde play from an obscure polish director

Abstrac us the act of distracting someone using your abs while you insert a tract selling salvation from a drooling idiot named Abe into an unsuspecting passerbys back pocket without noticing that person is wearing skinny jeans

Abstract is so nuanced it really is u clear of the meaning, I could be way off, but then who knows what I’m actually saying

Wotd nuance

Nuance

I sit behind a desk listening to hundreds of stories, reasons, pleadings

Those who are ending a career or are facing the end of a dream want my full attention

Giving them all hope is not in my position description but that is the best medicine

Their buy in is assured when they hear I made it without the support and opportunity they will receive if they grasp at it

They never see the lessions in my brain, they never know the struggle to maintain my sanity facing the insane first 3 years I faced when I moved here, they can’t smell the homelessness I experienced just a scant 8 years ago

This is why I know what they are going through, why I give 2nd and 3rd and 4th chances

This is why they know I truly care about the outcome.

Today they won’t know I spent 30 minutes in an MRI suffering from severe claustrophobia to get a clearer picture of a brain damaged

Today they won’t know I spent 45 minutes in a dentist chair fixing the neglect of years without dental care

Today they will see me come in late but won’t know I planned out my day and came in early so that there would be minimal impact

Today all they will know is that I’m willing to listen and soothe the impact of what they are about to face

And I know they have hidden stories that no one will ever hear, but they will know that I know that and respect their honorable  stance and will be there after they leave my charge

Wotd ruminate

Ruminate

Every once in a while you surface

You have been gone now just under 15 years

But a look from my daughters or a word or giggle brings you back for a few moments

And the girls ask me “papa you okay”

Yes girls, grandma just visited again

Some days I wish you could have held them for a moment

Other days I’m glad they never witnessed your deterioration

When my stepmother tries to cross a boundary in order for her to have a normal family my anger rises, but I remind her my girls have a grandma who  is always there we have a normal family and she has no part in it

Thank you for the good moments and good riddance to the pain you sometimes caused

WOTD desire

Desire
It’s much more than want but not as essential as need

It’s in the neighborhood of lust but without the greed

I know it when it’s gone cause I can feel it’s absence

I’m usually caught unaware when it’s near because I’m too dense sometimes

I love the drive it gives me but I’m often left flat in the morning when it skirts away

Maybe my approach isn’t right

Maybe I’m expecting to much and not willing to give enough

Maybe I want it to be to difficult when all it wants or should be is easy

I’d say I don’t know what the fuck I want and that’s what gets me

My inner critic would say I don’t deserve it because how hard have I really worked for it

And that’s when I look in the mirror at 422am and see the dark rings around my eyes and say let’s go make the doughnuts kids

With doubt

Doubt

It’s easier to not believe in yourself

It’s easier to not believe that things will get better

It’s easier to not believe that the best days are behind you

Because nothing is required there is nothing to do

Change, effort, desire for something better requires work, effort, vision

And being comfortable has been the path that many wish to follow

What if causes me not to hit the snooze button, rather it challenges me to press ahead when hope takes a sick day

Why not is the inner child that raises a timid middle finger to it’s always been this way

Let’s test that idea out feeds my curiosity because the greatest inventions have always been fueled by the thirst for knowledge